Breathe, breathe in the air...

I had to bite my tongue so severely yesterday I almost bit it off. I mean I know living at home was, is and will continue to be difficult, but lord, so days I want to stick a screwdriver in my ear and be done with it all. Of course, I am grateful for everything my folks have done and I in know they are sacrificing their peace and the serenity they deserve to help me out for the next three months but I'm sorry if I feel the need to bitch about it. I mean, its better here in blog-world than actually re-acting to the issue when it occurs because I wouldn't be here for three more months if I went back to that manner of dealing with things. What am I talking about. Its old family issues and of course I'm the last one to be able to properly deal with it all. We were nearing the end of dinner and I just wanted to talk about something interesting I had seen on PBS; no big deal. But it always is a big deal, the thing I found interesting was a manufactured situation to make everyone believe that these archaeologists had made some important discovery when of course, they are just idiots who know thing except how to fool ignorant people. I mean, I wasn't claiming to believe everything these scientist figured out and even amongst themselves, they are not 100% on the answer, its a highly debated issue with no final truth, but I couldn't even get to that point when I was attacked for being an idiot who believes everything I see.

so, i took a deep breath, swallowed the awful words I so wanted to spew out and I went to my room.. But it not over there, I stew for like 30 minutes about it in my room, getting agitated at this continual cycle of unnecessary aggravation that nobody can do anything about--whew..okay, and thats it. I remember some years ago my brother telling me i think too much about the past and its true I do, I've gotten better but i still do it.. I harp on what i should have done, what i could have done and i don't let the issue die, its my goal become more present oriented, not future and definitely not past, but present--its rough, but this very act is helping me to expel the tendency to dwell in my memory--release, fuck it all..relax, breath, 3 months will be here tomorrow and i can start to live my new, real, for the first time, my own real life...for the moment,, breath!

breathing
the mallet